Amusement Park – Light Humor and Music for Trying Times

Enjoy, and please submit other examples to lighten these homebound days.
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Exercising as we get older!

  • My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.  Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is     
  • I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.   
  • I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..      
  • I joined a health club last year, spent about $400.  Haven’t lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there     
  • Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.      
  • I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’      
  • If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.     
  • I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years…… just getting over the hill.    
  • We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it      

Some glorious insults, from a time before 4 letter words…

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”  -Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
bring a friend, if you have one.”  
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”  -Winston Churchill, in response

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”  -Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”  -John Bright

 

Love Lockdown lingo – are you fully conversant with the new terminology? Here are a few ‘starters’
 
*Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.
 
*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.
 
*Le Creuset wrist*
It’s the new “avocado hand” – an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.
 
*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.
 

 

Keep smiling!!
We have just heard a Doctor on TV saying that during this time of Coronavirus while staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. 
I looked through my house to  find things i’d started and hadn’t finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how darrn fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!

 

Someone toilet papered my house.  Now, it is worth $8M on Zillow
Please go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph1GU1qQ1zQ for a performance of The Weight led by Robbie Robertson and Ringo Starr. (courtesy of Tom Mohrmann.)
 

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