goose the goose for a good goose gander”
Daughters in Retirement!
As with all the other SIRtire, this skit is meant for fun. My intent is NOT to offend; it is to play with images and dialog and with each other. In any case, if you would like to comment, please
- Big DIRector: (BIG): Michelle Long
- Little DIRector: (LTL): Phillis Trapp
- Treasury Officer: ($$$): Rhonda Cassano
- Scribe: (SCR): Erlanda Persson
- Member Monitor: (MON): Wilma Peterson
- Membership Chair: (MEM): Barbara Barnes
- Activity Chair: (ACT): Stephanie Schramm
- Member Relations: (MRC): Tonya de Losada
- News Letter Editor: (NEWS): Danielle Weller
- World Wide Web Website Wizard: (WWW) Dora Southern (who has a British accent)
- Photographer: (PHO): Willamina Phelon
NOTE: In the dialog that follows, the NEWSletter is a hot-button item so neither the Big Director nor the little Director wants to discuss it until the meeting’s end, so they put off discussion by ignoring Danielle.
(The Big DIR: calls the meeting to order).
- BIG: : (There is commotion among members) Settle down ladies. Settle down. I said settle down ladies. (Yells) I said SETTLE DOWN! (There’s a hush). Now, has anyone seen my gavel?? It’s so much harder to start a meeting without a gavel.
- SCR: (Hands a gavel to Michelle (BIG): Sorry, I was using it to prepare some Calamari for last night’s dinner. Forgot I had it…
- BIG: : Okay. (Smells gavel-it smells fishy)) Is there any new business?
- NEWS:We need to discuss the newsletter.
- SCR: (interrupting) “Point of Order!”
- BIG: : the BIG DIR: recognizes the Scribe.
- SCR: You can’t start with New Business unless you’ve taken care of Old Business
- BIG: : I knew that. (challenging) I just wanted to know what lies ahead. Okay? Old Business?
- SCR: “Point of Order”
- BIG: : Yes again Erlanda?
- SCR: You’re supposed to go through agenda items before you can bring up Old Business
- BIG: : (impatient) okay, okay. What are the agenda items?
- SCR: Point of Order”
- BIG: Now what?
- SCR: I need to read the minutes of the last meeting before you can get into the agenda items of this meeting.
- BIG: (lost patience) Okay, so read!
- SCR: Uhh… (looking) Uhh… I must have left them in my other – in the folder next to my purse; I was in such a hurry to get out of the house this morning so I wouldn’t…
- BIG: : (cutting Erlanda off) What comes after the minutes?
- NEWS:We need to discuss the Newsletter.
- SCR: (Responding to Big DIR) The Treasurer’s Report.
- $$$: We had a good month. Bingo netted us one thousand two hundred thirty two dollars ($1,232). The mahjong tournament brought in another six hundred forty nine dollars and 32 cents ($649.32), Through merchandise sales we gained $28 dollars, and so for the month we made one thousand seven hundred and nine dollars ($1,709).
- MON: Point of Calculation!
- BIG: Yes Wilma, Wait. What?
- SCR: I think she means “clarification.”
- MON: No, I mean calculation. The total shows no cents.
- $$$: What are you talking about? It makes perfect sense
- SCR: Sweetie, I think she means your total should include the 32 cents from the Mahjong tournament.
- $$$: (Dismissing it as unimportant) Oh that.
- MON: Also, I did a quick calculation here in my head and one thousand two hundred thirty two dollars ($1,232) and six hundred forty nine dollars and 32 cents ($649.32) and $28 dollars equals one thousand eight hundred eighty three dollars and 32 cents($1,883.32), not one thousand seven hundred and nine dollars ($1,709). You’re off by $99 dollars and (emphasizing) 32 cents.
- $$$: Whatever. (pause, justifying herself) I mean it’s, how do they say it? “In the Park.”
- MON: What Park?
- LTL:: The “ball park” dear
- MON: What does playing ball have to do with our revenue?
- LTL:: It’s a figure of speech, Wilma.
- BIG: (Curtailing further discussion) Moving on. What’s next?
- PHO: We don’t have any merchandise that we sell for $28.
- SCR: So what did we sell that brought in $28?
- $$$: We sold seven tee-shirts.
- BIG: But the tee-shirts are $13 each.
- LTL: And we sold seven of them?*
- $$$: That’s right.
- BIG: But that doesn’t equal $28!
- $$$: Yes it does. Here, I’ll show you on the board.
- SCR: How can you? I mean 7 times 13 does not equal 28.
- $$$: Sure it does. Here, look: If you multiply, first 7×3=21. Then 7×1=7, and when you add 21 and 7 you get 28.
- LTL: Look, Rhonda, you can’t divide 28 shirts by seven and come up with 13
- $$$: Sure I can, here: you can’t divide 2 by 7 but you can divide 8 by seven which equals 1, and then you subtract and you get 21 and then you can divide 7 into 21 and you get 3. So you have 13.
- SCR: This is silly. If you add 13 seven times you don’t get 28.
- $$$: Yes you do. You add up the threes and you get twenty one, then you add up the ones and you get 7 and you add this to 21 and you get 28.
* [please note, the following bit is for those of you who have never watched Abbot & Costello or enjoyed them enough to appreciate it.]
- LTL: (Quietly to BIG) Do “you” want to clue her in or should I?
- BIG: (trying to curtail further discussion) Moving on. What’s next?
- SCR: Oh! Well this is when you bring up the meeting’s agenda items
- NEWS: We need to discuss the newsletter.
- BIG: (to Little DIR:) Phillis:, what’s on today’s agenda?
- LTL:: We need to review plans for the up-coming golfing tournament; then there’s the Gentlemen’s Day Luncheon to be planned, more new merchandise such as the DIR Sponges and Dish Towels with the DIR Goose Logo on them have to be ordered,
- MRC: Wait, wait. Point of information!
- BIG: What would you like to know Tonya?
- MRC: Why don’t we have a hen as a logo? Why do we have a goose as a logo? Most women, if you ask, “Would you like a goose?” they would say no.
- BIG: I guess our founders decided they liked a good goose.
- SCR: (quietly to LTL) Maybe that’s where the term “silly goose” comes from.
- LTL: I doubt it.
- LTL: Okay ladies. Now we are supposed to hear an update from the Gossip Committee, which we asked for a summary this month since we never made it through last month’s Gossip update. (To MRC) Tonya, will you please give us a “summary” of this month’s gossip?
- MRC: Well, I’ve tried to summarize the report and I got it down to 12 pages, and I thought…
- LTL:: (interrupting) I’ll tell you what, just read the opening paragraph on page 1.
- MRC: First, do you believe that awful story they’re telling about Rikki Grayson?
- MEM: Of course I do! What is it?
- MRC: Well, she went to get her hair done and the stylist suggested she make her hair the same color as her nails and…
- LTL:: (Interrupts) let’s please go on with the Gossip Report
- MRC: As to achievements: Our golf chair, Donna, passed her driving test and her husband passed his smog test. And speaking of tests, our oldest member Carla, at age 92, coincidentally passed her urine test at the same time her husband passed – away.
- LTL:: Thank you, Tonya. Let’s have a moment of silence for Carl, Carla’s husband.
- SCR: For the record, did you just stutter on Carla’s name or is her name Carl Carla?
- LTL:: No I didn’t stutter. Carl’s Carla’s husband.
- SCR: Oh. It’s Carls Carla. Well, what about Carls Carla’s husband?
- LTL:: He is Carl!
- SCR: So your telling me that Carl is Carl”s Carla’s husband?
- LTL:: No! I just… (gives up) Can we go on please?
- SCR: Well so that I refer to the right person in the minutes, what is her Permanent Member-Ship number?
- LTL:: Her membership number? I don’t know off hand, Barbara, can you tell us what Carla’s membership number is?
- MEM: From what I have in my records, (checking her records) Carla has been with us for about 40 years… so her membership number is, let’s see… two!
- MON: Two?? Wow. Who’s number one?
- LTL:: (clarifying) there is no number one.
- MON: No number one?
- MEM: Haven’t you ever noticed that our membership numbers are all even?
- MON: As a matter of fact… (Embarrassed pause) no! Why should that be?
- ACT: Unlucky? Superstition?
- MEM: No. When activities take place, especially in contests, it’s easier to choose sides if you have even numbered people.
- WWW: Uh, don’t you mean an even number of people?
- MEM: (Defensive) I got this information from the official membership guide.
- WWW: You must be mistaken. It makes no sense.
- MEM: If you disagree, take it up with the original membership who framed the rules.
- WWW: But they’re all dead.
- MEM: All but Carla.
- ACT: (who has “not” been paying rapt attention) What’s this about even numbered badges?
- LTL:: If you had been listening, you would have known!
- ACT: (sarcastic) Well, excu-use me for day-dreaming.
- NEWS:Wow. You can day-dream in a meeting?
- ACT: Yup.
- NEWS:I can’t. Every time I try to day-dream, my mind wanders.
- LTL:: Okay, let’s continue. And now for the (hesitates and questioningly looks at SCR Erlanda: ) uh…
- NEWS:We need to discuss the Newsletter.
- SCR: (answering the unasked question) Committee reports.
- LTL:: Right. Committee Reports next. The Photography Committee
- PHO: Well, some members were upset when they heard I was taking candid shots of them. For instance Denise Steichen, who as you all well know is a well-known photographer in her own right, thought it would be better to be more positive and encouraging to photographic subjects by taking “Can-do” photos.
- WWW: Instead of Can dids’??
- PHO: Exactly! Can-dos’.
- LTL:: (more to herself) “makes perfect sense.”
- SCR: Activities next.
- LTL:: For the Activities, I turn the meeting back to the BIG DIR:.
- BIG: Thanks Phillis:. To report on the activities, (nods to) Stephanie?
- ACT: Mahjong is 10am the fourth Wednesday of the month, Canasta 2pm the third Thursday, Knitting/Crochet 11am the 2nd Tuesday; all meet at the Round Table in Pleasant Hill. Gossip is the second, fourth and fifth Friday at a revolving hosts’ home. Checkers has been discontinued. Apparently after the accident, the chairman has been too jumpy.
- MON: (Trying for humor) or not “jumpy” enough…Hah, get it?
- ACT: (ignoring Wilma) Yes, well, our biggest and largest Activity by far is “Shopping.” Shoppers meet up at the Concord Pavilion at 9am on the fourth Tuesday of the month. Your guides will split you into groups depending on your destination. Last month there was good participation in the Factory Outlet excursion while many DIRs chose the Mall March, visiting the Bay Street Emeryville Mall, the Stoneridge Center in Pleasanton and Blackhawk Plaza in Danville.
- MON: Point of Orderliness
- BIG: Point of Orderliness??
- SCR: She means when something is not orderly.
- MON: Well, whatever you call it. This is a meeting of the bored; our Activities Chair, Stephanie: is giving us a membership meeting report. (to Stephanie:) Did you forget? We are bored. And not only that; there is no fifth Friday in a month.
- ACT: (defensive) And that ends my report for today.
- $$$: What about Golf?
- ACT: (uncooperative) What about it?
- $$$: Which course do we play on this week for 9-hole, 18-hole, and mini-golf??
- ACT: (short) If I told you, how do you know I wouldn’t be giving you a membership report and not a bored report??
- BIG: Okay, okay. We know there are 9-hole, 18-hole and mini-golf. Let’s leave it at that and move on. (to Erlanda) What’s next?
- SCR: Other Business.
- BIG: Is there any other business??
- PHO: Yes. The pictures I took at the last meeting, you know so we’d have some kind of record proving we meet; well I’ve had it developed and I wanted feedback in case I need to take another.
Here it is: The lighting was a bitharsh so I wasn’t able to smooth out all the wrinkles, but I think for the most part – although Danielle, I think next time you might want to comb your hair beforehand, and Michelle, your hair is all over the place and Barbara you have such a beautifu smile, and you too Erlanda,
- but you can see we can only see part of Rhonda’s face and Stephanie that bright 75 watt incandescent lamp, shining on your face as it did, gave a red cast to your face, and Dora you look a bit “smug” oh and Stephanie, Tonya, next time you might want to blot your lips before we snap and our table was a bit cluttered, but aside from that, I thinks it’s pretty not too bad…
- BIG: That was edifying. Now, other business??
- SCR: Guests! When we show off our Branch to guests, isn’t that a kind of Business?
- ACT: No, no, no, (checking her records) That is to say, there is no business like show business.
- $$$: Too expensive.
- MEM: (Raising her hand) I need to make a movement!
- MRC: Go right ahead dear. We’ll wait.
- LTL:: (to Tonya:) We can’t wait for her to go. (to Barbara: )You’ll have to hold it dear.
- SCR: (Interrupting) I believe Barbara meant she needed to make a motion.
- LTL:: Ahh. That makes more sense. (to Barbara:) Sure dear, go ahead.
(to BIG DIR) Make a movement? Do you believe?
- BIG: (Replying to Phillis:) now, now, we need to be more tolerant. Anyway Barbara, what is your movement? Er uh motion?
- MEM: (overhearing BIG DIR:) I make a motion to start a, oh I don’t know, (thinking), a Tolerance Committee?
- MRC: Seconded
- BIG: And what would be the purpose of a Tolerance Committee, Barbara?
- MEM: Well, if all kinds of women in the community join and contribute to our Branch, we’ll tolerate it.
- SCR: (to BIG DIR:) I think she means a “diversity committee.”
- MEM: (touchy) Don’t tell me what I mean.
- SCR: (to Barbara) I’m just saying that most branches call what you propose a diversity committee.
- MEM: (Deriding) Well. Monkey see Monkey do! … We are our own Branch and we should make our own decisions about how to name our efforts.
- ACT: (Sarcastically) My! Aren’t we getting testy? Did we get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?
- MEM: (Defensive) this has nothing to do with how I sleep “or” wake up. This has to do with our identity as a branch.
- ACT: It does? I thought we were Branch 9.
- MEM: I mean that we can make our own decisions, and you know it!
- BIG: Ladies! Ladies, let’s calm down. Sleeping has nothing to do with what we do here.
MEM: (Somewhat appeased). Well, maybe it should. (Noticing Willamina is nodding off) Shouldn’t it Wilamina?
- PHO: (Just rousing from a day-dream,) Huh? Of course. Uh, what should what?
- BIG: (Placating) Okay, already. (to Stephanie:) Why don’t you, then Barbara:, select three other membership members – and specify what a diversity or uh tolerance committee would do and report back to us at the next bored meeting?
- MEM: (annoyed) Oh sure. The squeaky wheel gets the grease! I think we should ask for volunteers at the next membership meeting?
- BIG: (Putting an end to the current conversation).Fine! What’s next on the docket?
- MEM: Doesn’t she mean agenda?
- ACT: It’s the same thing.
- MEM: Then why don’t they call it the same thing?
- NEWS:We really should discuss the Newsletter
- SCR: The Newsletter, the Newsletter is next on the …uh.. list
- BIG: Danielle, why don’t you summarize the status of “Hot Flashes.”
- NEWS:Well pretty much all members get Hot Flashes.
- MRC: That’s no surprise.
- NEWS:but there are some members who think their Hot Flashes are too long. Barbara:, you are one of our members who think Hot Flashes goes on too long. Any suggestions?
- MEM: I suggest we shorten the Newsletter by putting in a third column.
- LTL:: Discussion?
- NEWS:And this would shorten the Newsletter how?
- MEM: Well duh, fitting more on one page.
- NEWS:Yes but a page is just (showing with her hands apart 8 ½ “) “so” wide. A third column won’t fit.
- MEM: Well then, we could just put the third column on the next page where there’s plenty of room.
- NEWS:(helplessly looks at Phillis: for help). Yes but then that would… (Giving up) I’m sorry; I don’t know how to answer this question until I study the matter further.
- LTL:: Anyone else?
- PHO: (speaks up) I think we ought to add more pictures.
- ACT: And this will shorten it?
- PHO: Well, if we put in at least one picture for every article that’s over 1,000 words.
- ACT: Oh! Because “A picture is worth..
- PHO: (finishing) a thousand words.” Right! So if we substitute a photo for any article over 1,000 words, we’ll shorten Hot Flashes.
- NEWS:For some reason that is not clear to me, I am being no more successful at understanding this “photo substitution” then I was with the “third column.”
- ACT: You should probably study photo substitution too or at least take it under advisement.
- NEWS:That’s it! I’ll take it under advisement!
- MEM: What does “that” mean?
- $$$: Well, this meaning might be somewhat old, but according to my “Funk & Wagnall” In theory it means that “you will carefully consider the suggestion. In practice, most of the time (except, perhaps, in formal communications) it means you will think about it for 30 seconds and then forget it.”
- MEM: well if that’s the case, then, you might as well forget I brought it up.
- LTL:: Moving on now! The next agenda item is our wonderful world-wide Web site so I’ll pass the meeting over to our WWWWW. (Counting Ws) Our World Wide Web Website Wizard,
- WWW: Thank you. We need to discuss the future of our Web site on the world-wide Web.
- MEM: Why is it called that? I don’t understand it. A web is made by a spider.
- WWW: Well, think about the shape of a web?
- MEM: The shape?
- WWW: Well, it’s usually round in the middle with concentric circles randomly emanating out from its center joined at various points creating a linear-like series of connected nodes stabilizing the precarious nature of its entire structure to withstand aerodynamic fluctuations.
- MEM: It is? (This obviously does not answer the question)
- WWW: Well, that is close enough. And since it covers the whole world, that’s exactly why it’s called the World Wide Web.
- MEM: It is? (This obviously does not answer the question)
- WWW: Each of the nodes is controlled by a computer?
- MEM: It is?
- WWW: (to all) Don’t’ you all think the Web is a wondrous accomplishment?
- All: (Nod, yes, yup).
- WWW: But the World Wide Web construct raises problems intrinsic to its nature.
- MEM: It does?
- WWW: That is to say, using the Web is fraught with potential usage difficulties and we always want to simplify its utilization.
- MEM: We do?
- WWW: If you simply want to find a way to simplify the Web, the simplest way is to remove its contents.
- LTL:: You mean remove the contents of each page?
- WWW: Exactly!
- LTL:: But what use is the World-Wide Web with no content?
- MRC: None! But you gotta’ admit it would be simple.
- WWW: That’s the point. To maintain the simplicity and also include useful content, the content and its presentation must be simplistic.
- MEM: Okay, if you say so!
- NEWS:Are you saying our Web site would best be designed by a simpleton?
- WWW: On the contraire. It must be designed by an individual who is clever enough to capitalize on the limited space and the restrictions imposed by the medium.
- MEM: You know, I would really appreciate it if in the future you’d say all this stuff in English.
- SCR:Tempus Fugit. We better get to New Business.
- BIG:Is there any New Business? (No response). Anybody? Good, I think that’s all the meeting I can stand for today. Will someone please make a movement to er.. a motion to adjourn?
- SCR: I so move.
- BIG: all in favor?
- All: Aye.
- BIG: Adjourned.
- BIG: (Quietly to LTL:) I think next meeting I’ll hold the Web site status report until after the meeting is adjourned.
|Big DIR:||(BIG):||Michelle Long||Proud, but a little scatter-brained|
|Little DIR:||(LTL:):||Phillis Trapp||A good official VP looking forward to becoming P.|
|Treasurer:||($$$):||Rhonda Cassano||A bit lazy and not very good with numbers|
|Scribe:||(SCR:):||Erlanda Persson||Strict about protocol and accuracy and filled with self-importance|
|Attendance Monitor:||(MON):||Wilma Peterson||Tries (important) to be precise|
|Membership:||(MEM):||Barbara Barnes||A gossip, a little slow on the uptake and overly sensitive|
|Activity Chair:||(ACT):||Stephanie Schramm||Really enthusiastic and protective of activities, defensive|
|Member Relationship Chair:||(MRC):||Tonya de Losada||Likes to be informative and helpful|
|NeWs Letter Editor:||(NEWS):||Danielle Weller||Responsible but easily slighted and impatient|
|World Wide Web Website Wizard:||(WWW)||Dora Southern (who has a British accent)||British Intellectual|
|Photographer:||(PHO):||Willamina Phelon||Serious, self-appointed expert, good sense of humor|